My sex toy resumé

I got to thinking about this when I bought an Aneros a few weeks ago. First, the list; later, some stories.

• “Swedish” massager: My family had this when I was quite young, and I discovered its use for masturbation at an astonishingly-young age, perhaps 5 or 6. I knew how to do it on my own, too, but when I could sneak off and use this baby, I was in heaven!
  
• Long white vibrator: Age 12 or so. At a church rummage sale, my grandmother picked up a vibrating pillow (actually, a wedge of foam rubber covered with a pillowcase); there was a hole cut in it, and I discovered its secret—a long vibrator made of hard white plastic. I tried pulling out the Vaseline, but my ass wasn’t willing. Maybe some fingerplay to warm up would have helped, huh?
  
• Pocket Pussy: Age 16. When we were granted off-campus lunch privileges as seniors, there was a group of 3 of us who would go to a nearby adult bookstore and video arcade. This was my first sex toy purchase, a sleeve to lube up and masturbate with. I lived in utter terror of being found out, so tossed it after a couple of months.
  
• Vibrating buttplug #1: Age 17. Bought it at a bookstore next to the Pussycat Theater in San Bernardino, about 20 minutes away from my college. It was flesh-colored, about the same size as my own cock, which I figured would be a good fit for my ass. It was, and I had it in my dorm room for a couple of years, until I started going out with my eventual first wife. I was shy about the whole butt thing, so away it went.
  
• Wahl Coil massager: Age 27. Yes, you read that right—10 years without a sex toy (that I can recall, at least). Having moved to San Francisco, one of my first field trips was to Good Vibrations. They highly recommended the Wahl , which looked less intimidating than the legendary Hitachi Magic Wand, plus it had attachments. My ex didn’t really get into it, but it lived through one apartment move, until I started dating Misty, and got rid of my couple of toys. Do we see an unfortunate pattern here?
  
• Vibrating buttplug #2: Age 27-28-ish. Another GV purchase; I decided to be sex-positive and go for it, given my ongoing interest in buttplay over the years. My ex, however, thought it was “kind of gay” for me to be interested in that, so in the drawer it stayed. (Kind of an ironic thing for her to say, as a year or so later she asked about trying anal—finally, after 9 years of marriage—and it became nearly as regular as “straight” intercourse. I’ve never understood why women getting fucked in the ass is “normal”, but men getting pegged is “kind of gay.” Memo to self: must tease her about this the next time we meet.)
  
• Cheap restraints: Age 31. Once we had established that Misty was interested in learning about bondage (not something I had ever given much thought to), we got the starter version of cuffs. Still have ‘em, actually (hooray! now the only toys to go in the trash are the ones that stop working). They didn’t hold well enough, but it was enough to convince us to try more.
  
• Bullet mini vibe: Age 31. Misty’s first vibrator. I wanted to get her something unintimidating, and this (no longer made, I think) did the trick. It got her through nearly a year of us living apart, and she still talks fondly of it.
  
• Leather restraints: Age 31 (lots of toys that year!). The full-on version: fake-fur-lined cuffs, with buckles and everything. Mmm, good.
  
• Flogger: Age 31. Purple leather flogger. Just about the right speed for our occasional BDSM dabbling, and it’s a nice prop to carry around Gay Pride, Folsom Street, etc. (We bought one for a friend’s 50th birthday, to his great embarrassment. But they love it!)
  
• Cock ring (rubber, adjustable). Age 32. Just not my thing. Never turned out to be a good fit, though it’s still in the box.
  
• Small buttplug, now known as the Buddy. Age 32. Bought in hopes of introducing Misty to buttplay, a virtual no-fly zone. Not her thing. Yet. (She doesn’t know what she’s missing, having never really given it a chance.)
  
• An original Rabbit. Age 32. “Everyone” raves about this baby (including Phil & Marcy, to whom I introduced it as well). Everyone, that is, except Misty. Even tied up and warmed up, she just feels it’s too big for her, and she’s never really wanted to take the time to give it more of a chance. (I love this lady immensely, but after our early years of great promise, it’s never gone much of anywhere.)
  
• Washable paints. Age 32. Bought on a lark for a trip. Getting the ring off the tub afterwards was a nuisance, though it was fun and silly along the way.
  
• Vibrating buttplug #3. Age 32. Finally, one that’s just big enough. And frankly, I’d forgotten about it until I opened the box to do this little inventory. Deep blue, with an enclosed vibrator, it’s the baby bear version: just right. (But I'll be damned if I can find one anywhere on the net to link to!)
  
• Silver Bullet vibe (note: it's the pulsing version). Age 34. Part of a package. The mini-bullet died, and when we went shopping, this was the closest thing to a replacement. (Misty is a consistency freak, and wanted to walk out when they didn’t have the mini anymore at all. Go figure.) The package was complete with…
  
• Cock ring/clit tickler (this, more or less). We love this little toy! (But I must admit, it’s a nuisance to clean, being jelly rubber.) It’s stretchy, with a ring for the cock, a ring to hold the bullet, and a big nub on top to complete the effect (or, I suppose, to be underneath, against the balls—thanks to Dacia for the suggestion, per #7 on her list).
  
• G-spot vibrator. Age 35. An experiment. It’s hard plastic, with a 6” wand ending in a vibrating tip bent at an angle. Nice idea, but it didn’t really seem to work from either side.
  
• Aneros. Age 38. Yeah, it’s been a while since buying any new toys. Another toy with rave reviews, so when I got a little extra Christmas money, a good chunk of it went into this little guy (the original, not the smaller MGX). I’ve used it just once, and it was pleasant enough, but not mindblowing. But I’ll be giving it another shot soon.
  
• Natural Contours vibrator. New Year’s Eve. Misty’s bullet has a short in it, so she has to hold it just so to do the job. Wanting to try something that wouldn’t have a breakable wire, this seemed to be the right thing. Wrong. It’s pretty, but just not strong enough. Happily, when I went in again (to buy The Klutz Book of Knots), I found a better, stronger replacement for next time. When I went to the counter, I mentioned my disappointment, and they were entirely too cool, offering a 10% discount next time to make it up to us. So we’ve got the next shopping list ready to go!
  
• Bronco Strap-on harness & Woody dildo. Also NY Eve. As yet, untried. We thought about getting their beginner kit, but went instead with a nice harness and a particular dildo—again, about the size of my cock—for a custom set. Now, it sits on the dresser, waiting. 17 days and counting.

So there it is, my sex toy resumé. Makes me wish I’d had a partner in crime who was as enthusiastic about them as I. But I love having the big blue box ready to go (not to mention all the lube, condoms and gloves tucked away in there too)!